Dumb Heart.

So I haven’t written anything for a while and I have reason (not really). I usually like to post when I’m feeling all giddy inside and God has spoken something real, beautiful, and true into my heart. But that just hasn’t happened recently. As of late I’ve been feeling all sorts of crazy. The time that I spend with God has been virtually nonexistent. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been feeling crazy that I haven’t been spending time with God – Or because I haven’t been spending time with God that I’ve been feeling crazy. Whatever the case, it’s just not working for me. I don’t like where I am right now and I need to get it together. I hate the feeling of being at a standstill and going absolutely nowhere.

Everything that I’m feeling right now is completely my own fault. I’ve been making poor choices and choosing lesser things over God. Prayer is no longer an experience in my life, but a distant memory… and my life shows it. It’s not that I’ve stopped wanting God. No. It’s just that my heart hasn’t stopped wanting other things.

“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.”
Jane Austen

This quote pretty much sums up my life right now. Just when I thought I was content trusting God with all things love/relationships/marriage, I met someone and some crazy fluttery things started going on in my heart that caused me to challenge all that. Dumb heart. People who are content trusting God for their futures wait on Him to see what His desires are. They don’t start performing full on background checks on “potentials” on Facebook, Twitter, and every other corner of the internet and find out where that person will be and at what time [totally kidding about that last part… maybe]. I don’t know if I should be impressed or embarrassed about just how much detective work I’ve done on this “potential”. I’m thinking the latter. Yeah I’m pretty sure the totally obsessive and stalkerish tendencies I have towards this person are nothing to boast about. It’s actually kinda creepy if I really think about it… But I’m convinced that I would make one great private investigator.

But on a serious note: If I’ve learned anything, it’s that I can lose control of this heart in the blink of an eye. It is nothing to play around with. There are desires in my heart that may be right and true in and of themselves but If I don’t keep guard they will soon take over and lead me away from all that God has for me right now. It is dangerous to become so consumed with all that could be that I lose sight of all that is.

I’ve realized that at the heart of all of this is the fear that I won’t get what I need. What I think I need. That is why I cling so tightly and dream about everything that I think should be – because I’m scared that if I surrender it to God it might be final.

I’m know that I’m supposed to believe that God’s ways are perfect beyond belief and that He will not fail me.

“The young lions lack and suffer hunger; But those seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing”
Psalm 34:10

That’s what His word says.

But the desires of this heart are fighting against all that I deep down know to be true.

Dumb Heart.

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25 comments

  1. Keeping hangin on and holdin’ on. Waiting is never easy. Those who endure receive the prize.

    1. So very true… Now for me to remember that! Thank you so much for stopping by and leaving those words of encouragement :)

  2. writerchick42 · · Reply

    I hear you girl. Loud and clear. I struggle with this same exact issue. Although I’ve been learning that waiting can take on different forms. I’ve been waiting on the Lord to save a dear friend of mine’s life for the past eleven years. He has no godly influences to speak of, yet he knows I believe. I want Him to come to Christ so badly, that the pain of waiting for his salvation is overwhelming. But I know God is working on His heart, and I truly believe the Lord will save Him. The key is to trust. And I understand the pain of waiting on a husband. We just have to understand that God is behind the bigger picture, and that everything does truly happen for a reason–that is–according to His purpose. I’ve been really thinking on Romans 8:28…it;s so true! God knows the desires of our hearts. You can believe it! Stay strong!

    1. Waiting for 11 years and not losing heart… that is amazing. Thanks for your encouragement Kelly :)

  3. I love your honesty here, everyone struggles with what they want getting in the way of seeing God. I know I have, I know I’ve also “researched” in the same way as you have! I wonder where the stalker line falls, and if I’ve ever crossed it? :P

    1. Tehehehe, glad to know I’m not the only one! Stalkers/borderline stalkers unite :) Thanks so much for stopping by!

    2. I long jumped over that line tons of times. Not ashamed..not doing that again!lol

      1. Hahaha… this made me chuckle :)

  4. Beautiful post and beautiful heart. God bless you.

    1. Thank you SO much for reading! :)

  5. Danielle I. · · Reply

    Hi Tola! I really appreciate your honesty and the candidness of your post (and I love that Jane Austen quote..it’s so true! :P). Surrendering to God (whether heart, dreams, anything) is definitely easier said than done. The longer it takes to see the fulfillment of a desire/dream, the more you’re tempted to ask, “why?” or, even worse, decide that you need to just take matters into your own hands (and whenever I’ve taken matters into my own hands, it turned out to be quite disastrous >_<). Plus, the enemy loves to plant all kinds of lies, doubts, and fears into us so we won't surrender..anything to get us to mistrust our Father who loves us beyond our understanding. As your fellow sister in the Lord, who's 10+ years down the road from you and *still* holding on to dreams/desires of marriage, I've found that in my moments of weakness, I must remind myself that there is a purpose in everything….EVERYTHING. And it's only by the testing of our faith, especially with unanswered prayers, that we can really apply and put into action what we say we believe and then grow stronger. And when you really think about it, our view of unanswered prayer is so short-sided (sometimes even distorted) because God is continually orchestrating things in His master plan, whether we see it or not.

    It's understandable to get excited for a 'potential' coming across your path ;) Don't beat yourself up too much regarding your level of 'excitement' (i.e. stalkerish, obsessive tendencies :P). Be glad that you've realized it and want to reign in your heart…there are plenty of girls (and guys) out there who do not reach that light bulb moment, to their detriment. The fact that you're realizing that there's a connection between your feeling crazy and diminished time with God is a good thing. Take hold of that conviction while you have it! Determine to get back into His word, determine to get back into prayer! Have another sister in Christ keep you accountable on it (you've got my contact info, girl :P), do whatever it takes! And as you purpose to draw near to Him, He promises to draw near to you.

    1. Oh Danielle, I love you! Thanks for taking the time to share with + encourage me! I sooooo needed to read every word!!

  6. This is so beautiful! I really identify with this problem- dumb heart- and needed the reminder about prayer. Thanks! :)

    1. Thank you SO much for reading! :)

  7. Hey Tola,
    O boy, I have been there. I was in a relationship with someone who claimed to be a believer for 3 years. (The following is not to bash him, just to tell my story)
    So even though he claimed to be a believer there were times where he would go out every single weekend and get drunk, club, party, desire to try drugs. There were times when he broke up with me because I refused to have sex with him. I’m telling you, we broke up about 10 times in one year.
    Did I see the signs? yes. Did I notice that I was drifting away from God? Yes. Did I leave? No. I was putting my trust in this man. A man who treated me horribly but had his good side. I was attached, thought that I could help him grow closer to God..while I was drifting away, compromising etc
    The only time that I was able to leave that relationship and completely trust God was when I asked myself what my desires were. What my goals were? My only Goal was to please God and to live for Him.. I was not doing that, I was unequally yolked and sliding down the slippery slope. As soon as I accepted that God was the only one who mattered, I was free. I never looked back.

    The heart is so deceptive. Everyone has to make a conscious effort to use their brain over their hearts. Discernment is so necessary.
    The Bible says :The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? Jeremiah 17:9

    I encourage you to pray. tell God everything and seek Him because he is always seeking you. Invest your time in God, he will guide and lead you.
    Thanks for being so transparent! :-)

    1. Thank you so much for sharing your story! I love how you said the only time you were able to leave that relationship was when you asked yourself what your desires/goals were. That’s what it’s all about. The only way i’m able to let go of negative things in my life,,, guys, habits, whatever, is when I ask myself what my vision for my life is. If that thing/person isn’t helping me then it NEEDS to go bye-bye (I’m all talk… it’s so much easier said than done! Lol).This is actually what one of my next blog posts will be about (if I ever get around to writing it, I’ve been meaning to forever! hehe).

      1. Exactly. If this potential is not pushing you closer to God, tell him goodbye. Or as the younger generation would say, “swerve”. ( lol yes I said that)
        Also does this potential know that he is indeed a potential? Has he confirmed his interest in you?

      2. Haha, well it’s not quite that serious… I was more just describing tendencies that I’ve noticed my heart to have. You know meeting people… guys… and wondering “could it be?” instead of just appreciating a great friendship with a brother in Christ. And “swerve”… love it! :)

  8. 9jagirl · · Reply

    Your ability to identify this early is absolutely the work of the holy spirit. It took me 5yrs (yes..) to realize that I needed to be content in Christ first. I remember one time, I made an absolute decision not to even look.. I kid you not.. that everyday this fine christian bro said “hi” to me and gradually I was back to where I was before.

    I think the enemy uses this strategy to distract us from focusing fully on our relationship with God. It was so bad for me cos I was idolizing. The holy spirit keeps reminding me that the kind of man I want wants a woman that loves God more than him..this helps me keep things in perspective. Now, God is helping me get to the point where I am fully content in him.

    1. Wow, that really does help to put things in perspective! Thank you for sharing, it’s so nice to find other ladies on the same journey :)

  9. *snapping fingers as if it’s poetry night* lol….a great and ~real~ post!

    1. Awww thanks so much for reading!! :)

  10. I’m nominating you for the Leibster Blog Award! Although you haven’t written much in the time I have been following you, I have read some of your past posts and this one – you have a talent for inspiring people through your honesty and passion. Here are all the rules for accepting the award http://hopebloomsindarkness.com/2013/05/09/liebster-award/ Have a great day!

  11. Awwwww thanks so much! I am honored!!! =)

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